Tuesday, May 9, 2017

5 Sexy Summer Trends that Will Make You Say Seriously What the Fuck is This Shit? I Live in Alaska for Fuck's Sake!

Summer 2017 is just around the corner, and for most of the Northern Hemisphere, that means trips to the beach, bikini-ready bods, frozen cocktails, and battling 100 degree heat. 

But holdup! 

You live in Alaska, where you’re lucky to experience a single hour over 80 degrees all year long, especially along the coast. 

Despite melting glaciers and thawing permafrost, Alaska is basically still cold AF 24/7/365, which is why you’ll look at these sexy new idiotic trends for summer 2017 and realize that in addition to being stupid, expensive, and impractical, they are completely fucking useless to you. 

Oh and even if they weren’t, by the time they make their way to the 49th State, the rest of the country will be on to the next thing so seriously what's the fucking point?

1. Anything any celebrity ever wore to Coachella. Is there anything more insufferable than Coachella? Funny you should ask! More insufferable than the festival itself is the celebrity Instagram style spawned by the multi-day Kardashian Burning Man. And even more insufferable than that is the thought of wearing leather peep-toe booties and Boho-chic Janis Joplin sunglasses while telling a pack of cruise ship tourists in ponchos where to find some decrepit old mine ruins.



2. Unicorn anything. 2017 is the Year of the Unicorn. We've seen the unicornification of everything from grilled cheese to hair, nails, and even Frappucinos from Starbucks, for which I promise you no Alaska Starbucks is a participating location. The only unicorn you'll find here is free shipping from Amazon Prime AND a free first class upgrade ON THE SAME DAY. Also, pro tip: glitter and airbrush paint do not hold up well in sideways rain.



3. Open-toed, high-heeled suede mules. Just ... no.






















4. Bikini-based athlesiure. Sure your abs probably look like this because you ran the Klondike. But let's be honest: Do you remember the last time you wore a bikini OUTSIDE in Alaska? Didn't think so. Byeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
































5. Anything called a "piece." In Alaska, a "piece" is something you bring to the firing range so you can practice being bear aware while shooting your sausage links for the following year. Everywhere else, a "piece" is a hideous WTF handbag like this, for which there is approximately zero use or purpose on the Last Frontier.


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