Saturday, May 13, 2017

All I Want for Mother's Day is for Ed Sheeran to Write Me a Love Song and I Really Feel Like That is Not Too Much to Ask

Mother's Day. It's not a big deal to me, seriously. 

This is my tenth Mother's Day as a mom, and the last Mother's Day of my thirties, and I've never been demanding in terms of what I want on This Special Day. Usually, it's enough for me to just spend quality time with my kids. And by "spend quality time with my kids," I mean "sleep until noon with silicone ear plugs jammed into my ears while my kids do I don't even know (or care) the fuck what with their dad."

This year, though, I feel like I'd like a little something more. Something besides Congress to impeach Donald Trump. I just want Ed Sheeran to write me a love song, and I feel like that's really not too much to ask.

I mean, really. Is it? This is a small demand in the grand scheme of things.

To just go to an Ed Sheeran concert for like, a weekend trip to Seattle and catch his eye from the front row of Century Link Field, and then act super surprised when one of the security guards comes up to me and whispers in my ear, "Ed wants to see you back stage," and then turn to my friends and we all start jumping up and down and silent-screaming like we are 14 instead of 40 or even 26, which I believe is the approximate age of Ed Sheeran, and which technically makes me old enough to be Ed Sheeran's mom, but only if I'd had an extremely fucked up childhood, which thankfully I did not.

Truly I feel it is not asking too much for Ed Sheeran to then beckon me to his dressing room, dismiss his harem of sinewy, collagen-rich millennial groupies, and tell me that I look great in mom jeans--which are totally on trend right now--even though I couldn't possibly actually be a mom because I look way too young to have kids and no he's totally not just saying that in his adorable British accent.

This would really be a much more welcome gift than, say, getting a half-assed scribbled card and some luke warm scrambled eggs in bed, amirite moms? To instead get a note from Ed Sheeran, written in non-crayon, that says "please come on tour with me, you are my muse and I can no longer create outside of your spiritual orbit," at which point my family would completely understand that I was just doing what I had to do for the sake of art and probably a lot of dope swag, let's be honest.

Then the world and Ryan Seacrest would thank me for the next platinum Grammy Award (TM) winning album called "Mom Jeans," featuring the #1 hit single in both the UK and the U.S., called "You Pee a Little When you Sneeze." At which point 39 year-old French President Emmanuel Macron's 63 year-old wife Brigitte would come to the Paris leg of the tour, and we'd drink French 75's and high five each other and congratulate ourselves on being the GOAT cougars.

Like, this is a seriously a really modest request, and I feel like I deserve it. I'm a mom, after all, and not just "anyone" can be a mom, except for approximately 4.3 people per second on earth.

UPDATE: No sooner did I post this, than Isaac came home from school with this:



 It changes nothing. 


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