Looks like the organizers of the “Hall of Femme”—who oddly appear to have vaginas themselves--don’t necessarily appreciate the irony (or, as we say in the industry, the OPTICS) of inviting an entire “Panel d’Homme” to mansplain to a room full of women why they are kinda sorta failing at life. (Spoiler alert: it's because vaginas).
But the experts know better. And again, the experts are—surprise surprise!—people with dicks.
“Male senior executives from some of the biggest brands and agencies” are going to gift their female colleagues with some “frank discussion and unique perspective on where and how successful change is happening and on overcoming challenges that remain for women in career advancement,” and further, how women can “find the support, company culture, and resources to ensure a rewarding long-term career.”
To be fair, when I clicked on the agenda, I saw that there is, in fact, a panel of women scheduled to speak at this event, but I note that the Keynote Speaker is a dudebro named Michael from Johnson & Johnson, and, of course, the above-referenced panel consists of four people named John, Richard, Jim, and Tony.
We can only hope that Michael, John, Richard, Jim, and Tony will have some insights to offer the Beckys with the Bad Jobs in the room, as well as the other failing women on the panel that precedes theirs. While it’s not clear exactly what science Michael, John, Richard, Jim, and Tony will drop at this conference, what is clear is that they have the straight dope on working while female.
Good thing I’ve been given exclusive access to their PowerPoint presentation! Here are the titles of the first ten slides:
1. How We Got Rich by Being Named Michael, John, Richard, Jim, and Tony.
2. Why Bleeding Into Your Underpants is Kind of a Disadvantage that We Can’t do Anything About, Sorry.
3. Breastfeeding in the Office: It’s Gross albeit Perhaps Necessary, but Let's Face it You Did This to Yourself.
4. Having a Penis Really Helps You Get Ahead (AHEM!) in the Workplace, It Turns Out.
5. Smile, Look Pretty, and Wear a Supportive Bra: Three Tips to Climbing the Corporate Ladder.
6. The Very Existence of Your Uterus is a Huge Obstacle that You’ll Never Overcome Unless You Transition to Male and Then You'll Have Even Worse Problems.
7. How to Tell if a Man at Work is (A) Taking You Seriously or (B) Just Wants to Have an Affair with You (Answer: It's Usually B).
8. Checking Our So-Called Male Privilege: We Checked Everywhere and There is No Such Thing.
9. Why Being Named Michael, John, Richard, Jim, and Tony has Actually Made our Lives Harder than You’d Think.
10. We are Your Woke AF Allies but We Have it Worse than You, We Promise. (Yes, It’s a Contest and We Win. Also: What Are You Doing After This)?
See you there, ladies!