Wednesday, May 3, 2017

I Spent a Year Saying Yes to Life and Now I'm Dead

True story.

A year ago this month, I was in a really dark place. My marriage of seven years was in shambles, my career had stalled out, and I couldn’t even afford a stovetop espresso maker. Then I started saying “yes” to life, and I ended up in an even darker place: The walk-in closet in my ex-husband’s mistress’s bedroom, which I now haunt on the reg.

Too often, we allow fear and a lack of self-confidence hold us back from embracing the amazing growth opportunities we all deserve. There is no such thing as perfect timing in life. Simply put, if you wait for all the stars to align, you might never take that promotion, move to that exciting new city, or get on the back of a Harley with a big fat drunk biker and no helmet because you just DGAF anymore.

For as long as I can remember, I had this terrible habit of saying “no,” which really kept me from leading a mindful life and fulfilling my dreams. I said “no” to all kinds of things for what in retrospect were self-defeating reasons.

Like I turned down a highly Instagrammable girls’ weekend to Cancun because I was afraid I’d spend the entire time on the toilet with a stinging bunghole. I refused to pet-sit my next door neighbor’s yellow Burmese python because just the thought of feeding it live mice made me gag. And I let a really great guy get away just because he texted me a GIF of a llama and then ignored my return GIF of an alpaca because who just ghosts someone after texting an alpaca GIF?

It was really immature of me, but then again I was pretty clueless at that time. 


Then I read some stuff by Thich Nhat Hanh (pronounced TICK-NOT-HAHN) and as it turned out, I’d learn more about ghosting than I ever imagined when I started saying “yes” to life.

One of my all-time favorite Thich Nhat Hanh quotes is “we have more possibilities available in each moment than we realize.” That quote is like, so perfect because it truly encapsulates what it means to say “yes” to life.

It was after masturbating alone to the Thorn Birds on PBS that I decided to start saying yes to life by responding to an unsolicited email from a Nigerian prince. Before I knew it, I had freed myself of all of my earthly possessions and money. It was like Eat, Pray, Love, but without Julia Roberts, and using the free wifi at Pinkberry instead of meditating in an ashram in India with no internet for days.

Pretty soon, I found myself saying “yes” to all kinds of stuff: meth, anonymous Craigslist threesomes, shuttling my aunt’s car back from the airport at 4:00 a.m., and ultimately that motorcycle ride with the big fat drunk biker I mentioned at the beginning of this post.

The last thing I remember was the bumper of an 18-wheeler and a tattoo of Jenna Jameson on the back of this dude's neck rolls. Next thing I knew, I was in the spirit world, lurking as a chimera between the wrap-dresses and suede Louboutin mules of the homewrecker who had first set me upon this spiritual journey.

You see, it was only by saying yes to life that I ended up dead. Now, I spend my days haunting my ex-husband’s new and much younger wife’s enviably large closet, and I couldn’t be happier.



1 comment:

  1. What-the-fuck? You have been under self-help for too long!

    ReplyDelete