Tuesday, May 16, 2017

Into the Void of Derp: I Have the "Comey Memo!"

To:        Whom it May Concern
From:    James Comey
Re:        POTUS-Russia Clusterfuck
Date:     Literally Every Day After 11/9/16

_____________________________________________________________________

TIMBER HO! 

If you're reading this, that means the shit's about to go DOWN, and I am long gone. But I wouldn't be a respected career civil servant if I didn't leave a CYA paper trail behind. Now John Chaffetz and Nancy Pelosi get to hold hands like Hansel and Gretel, and follow the trail of bread crumbs to the Gingerbread House of Impeachment proceedings.

I'm not sure what America expected when it did the electoral equivalent of putting a second grader in the cockpit of a 747 and asking him to do maneuvers like he was Maverick from Top Gun

But that's what it did, so that's where we are.

Yep. America elected a President who has taken us across the Rubicon and into the Void of Derp, down a deep hole of semi-inadvertent misconduct the likes of which I've never seen in my long career. When I wrote that letter about John Podesta's Risotto recipe and Hillary's private email server with Carlos Danger and all that shit, I couldn't have known what was coming.

As it happened, what was coming was a fascist, genetically-modified cantaloupe with less knowledge of basic American civics than the fruit which bears his likeness. If you sat Donald Trump down in front of the television (where he can usually be found when he's not golfing) and turned on School House Rock, he still wouldn't understand that the President isn't supposed to interfere with a pending FBI investigation, divulge classified information and intelligence to known foreign enemies in the Oval Office just to brag, or ask people to be "loyal" to him like he was the CEO of America.

I genuinely think Trump believes this country is an Atlantic City casino or one of his shady foreign real estate deals where he can just hire and fire people at will and impede federal investigations with a wink and nod like it's NBD. Well, ignorance of the law is no excuse, as they say, and that's why you're reading this memo.

Now the alt-right Twitter bots will tell you to burn this because it's all meant to distract from Hillary Clinton putting a hit out on some 27 year-old D.C. intern named Seth Rich who once emailed Julian Fuck-America-in-the-Assange from his iPad or some shit. 

If you believe that, you probably also believe that Avril Levigne died in 2003 and was replaced by a clone. I'm not saying it couldn't happen, but it probably didn't.

Let me ask you which seems more likely: that HRC had a Congressional paige murdered in the D.C. subway OR that Donald Trump opened his big fat KFC-hole without having any fucking idea what he was talking about?

That's what I thought.

Anyway, I look forward to your subpoenas and to testifying to my knowledge of this entire situation in the Halls of Congress. That is, if you can find even one specimen of the species of invertebrate formerly known as our elected officials who will bother listening to me.


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