Good Morning, Dear Leader!
Your most excellent and beneficent leadership is on full display this morning on Twitter once again!
Those of us who love and adore Your Excellency and Highness know better than to ever EVER call into question your wisdom; your vast knowledge of everything in the universe; your stunning handsomeness; your enormous wealth; the gigantic size of your penis, hands, and crowds; your industriousness; the number of JOBS JOBS JOBS you have created; the future of your big, beautiful wall paid for by Mexico; and so much more.
Indeed, your brilliance and golden towers shine brighter than all the stars ever to adorn the firmament!
Respectfully, I do not mean to second guess your below accounting of all the MANY MANY FAKE NEWS outlets that dare to challenge the extent of your accomplishments, but I believe you have omitted FAILING GOLF.COM, which just last week LIED that you called the White House a "dump."
Thank the Lord and Divine Providence for Twitter, your unsecured Galaxy Note 7, and your "base." For you do not in fact represent all of America, including the majority of citizens who voted against you.
You are accountable only to the people--especially (and exclusively!) the Good White Christian Men of This Great Nation--who attend your Hitler-esque rallies, which are without precedent in modern democracy, so you know they are good and just.
Dearly Beloved Supreme and Most Excellent King of America: We are Devoted to You and You Alone! You have been treated MOST UNFAIRLY by all except your most devoted followers and subjects.
THANK YOU FOR MAKING AMERICA GREAT AGAIN! THE SWAMP SHALL BE DRAINED! WE GENUFLECT BEFORE THINE MAJESTY!